Lets Actively Teach Our Kids “Romantic and Relationship Competence
It’s one of the most effective ways to future proof their happiness and wellbeing
Photo by Laura Ockel on Unsplash
In 1939 Harvard scientists began tracking 268 men for more than 75 years to gather insights into what makes a good life. According to the project founder, the findings were unequivocal, “
“Happiness is love. Full stop.”
At all our life stages, romantic relationships remain the source of so much potential pain or pleasure - and as adults, the choices we make in our personal lives ripple out to practically shape how the architecture of our lives unfolds.
And yet, despite the incredible impact relationships have on happiness, daily wellbeing and life outcomes, the overwhelming majority of us stumble through these stages, struggling and underprepared, lacking the skills or frameworks to build positive and deep relationships.
We’re in a moment when the trusted foundations of the world are shiftin and the pace of change is overwhelming. Like many parents, the past two years have amplified my focus on the core questions of, “ as parents ,what are trying to do here and against tha? Whatt should we be teaching our kids to help them be able to live happy and meaningful lives while navigating this new world?”
And the answer I keep coming back to is: how do we help our kids build more positive relationship skills?
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In 2008 I published a dating advice book with Simon & Schuster. The research had taken me almost five years, and along the wa. It hadd become a personal journey into navigating my understanding and thoughts on marriage, relationships and, long term intimacy.
Among my key findings, were that:
1) We need to change how we prioritize relationship skills.
Our relationships profoundly shape our life quality and happiness - as well as the practical architectures of what our lives look like. From our careers to where we live and what we spend time and money on - all of this is shaped by our relationship choices - though culturally, we are still reluctant to acknowledge this. We spend so much time exploring colleges, and potential careers (as we should), but culturally we aren’t encouraged to think about our relationship choices like this - and this lack of intention and thought is the source of so many the personal problems people face.
2) People are actively looking for help - but start too late.
People are hurting and lonely and want to learn how to do and be better in this area of their life - but overwhelmingly, most adults only start to search out these tools after years of pain and struggle.
There’s a vast white space opportunity to leapfrog this journey forward for our children by giving these tools and frameworks much earlier in their lives, so they can enter adulthood with more tools to positively create, navigate and intentionally form or leave relationships.
3) We all win if we help to improve relationship competence.
It’s a critical public policy, education and health gap that we don't have a robust and cohesive means of helping people have better relationships- because addressing this educational need would unleash an incrediblincredibly impact.
As a society, we need to make it easier for more people to have the tools to create their version of relationship happiness and contentment because doing so truly does lift more people.
Essentially if we date and do relationships better, we partner better and can build stronger families and communities.
It’s all linked.
And it all starts with better relationship tools, in schools, and at a younger age.
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The epidemic of loneliness among young people was reaching epic proportions - even before the pandemic brutally amplified it.
In a recent study by researchers at Making Caring Common, 36 percent of respondents to a national survey of Americans reported feeling lonely “frequently” or “almost all the time or” all the time,” and among 18 to 25 years olds a shocking 61 percent said high levels of loneliness.
An August 202 Pew Research Survey found that nearly half of U.S. adults say dating has gotten harder for most people in the last ten years. And the overall data trend among young people shows a further downward trajectory. More people are single, having more petite sex and fewer and fewer people are either getting married or entering into long-term partnerships.
As parents and educators, we spend so much time, energy and money preparing our kids for college tests and for sports that most won’t play after high school, but we don’t do enough to prepare them for positive love and relationship experiences and make sure they are equipped to have the tools to navigate what comes. It doesn’t matter who their relationships are with or when they happen, but intentionally teaching people earlier how to have the tools to help build these skills is one of the most effective and utterly overlooked ways that we can help our kids live more fulfilling and happy lives, no matter what is happening in the world.
It’s what Joanne Davila, a professor of psychology and the director of clinical training at Stony Brook University in Stony Brook, New York, calls “romantic competence.” According to Davila, “romantic competence” is “the ability to function adaptively across all areas or all aspects of the relationship process [including] … figuring out what you need, finding the right person, building a healthy relationship, [and] getting out of relationships that are unhealthy.”
Here’s How We Can Do Better:
Schools encourage them to do more.
Schools remain the most effective way of scaling these skills and conversations. And certainly, some progress is being made, but, as Peggy Oreinstiens landmark books, “Girls and Sex” and “Boys and Sex” grippingly show, much more is needed.
A consistent pillar of the curriculum from SK or Grade One onwards should be a deeper and more tactical look at what healthy relationships should look like as is age and stage appropriate - so for younger kids, the focus is on being a good friend and handling complex emotions positively (feeling left out, feeling shy or scared.) These emotional management questions provide the foundation for building whole kids better positioned for positive relationships.
Help make it happen:
Find out what your school is currently doing to teach healthy relationships.
Reach out to your school community (parents, PTA, Head of Schools) and raise this as an area that you are concerned about and are looking for more support with.
Share What You’ve Learned.
Of course, the ideal is to be a model for your kids of what a healthy romantic relationship and partnership looks like. But regardless of where you are and what your relationship is like - talk to your children about what you’ve learned, what you wish you had learned sooner, and why.
This helps them understand that this is an area of life that matters and something that grown-ups are also working on - because it is something worth working on.
Help make it happen:
As in age-appropriate, share stories about your crushes, dating mishaps
Talk about what you want them to learn from your experiences - or write them a letter about it. Don’t expect a response or discussion. The goal is to share your insights with them and open this channel and start what is hopefully a multi-decade conversation.
Teach Friendship
No kid wants to talk about dating or relationships with their parents. So direct the focus on teaching what makes a good friend or, with older kids, what makes a good roommate. Both are less awkward for parents and kids and less likely to prompt kids to shut down - but still offer the chance to talk about boundaries, jealousy, and how to have difficult conversations to positively resolve conflicts. Learning how to be a good friend and sustain healthy, mutually beneficial relationships is an excellent training ground for learning empathy, kindness, and conflict resolution.
Don’t Overfocus on The Sex Conversation:
The mechanics, the physical health and safety, and the essential conversations on consent are necessary to keep having in an ongoing and age-appropriate way. Still, as urgently, there is a need fa or more nuanced discussion on the emotional risks, the ups, and downs that come with sexual relationships and how to have healthy tools to cope with these emotions.
There are hard conversations to have but pivotal. Simply by recognizing what is, we create space for our kids to have their feelings and to affirm that this is something they are not alone in - which is the biggest thing
Use Celebrity and Media Culture
Positive relationship role modeling generally feels rare in the celebrity and influencer world - but it provides a relevant and engaging way to have conversations with your kids. The key here is to “have a conversation'' meaning don’t lecture or point out what’s wrong or upsetting in the story. Instead, ask them questions and let them work through the scenario and its impact.
Prioritize Investing In Relationships:
If you have a partner, let them see you making the extra effort and planning and doing considerations daily - model the behavior you want them to do and experience. Talk about the why. Leave books and materials on relationships around the house. Put on an Esther Perell podcast while making dinner or in the car. Like you might nudge them on healthy eating and studying, find ways to show them that this matters.
As expected, the more prepared people feel, the more positive and competent they are in their relationships. Davila cites a study of 18-25 years olds which found tha, “the more romantically competent men and women felt more secure in their relationships, worried less about rejection and reported making better decisions. They were also better at seeking and supporting their partners, so they were more willing to ask for what they needed and use what their partners gave them. And they were better at providing helpful support when needed.”
This is probably one of the best sets of future-proofing tools we can arm our kids with - for whatever their world will look like.
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