Stephen Covey: On the damaging communications mistake parents make - and why it's detrimental to raising future forward kids.
And this week's top ideas roundup on careers, job readiness, mental wellness & financial literacy
03.18.24
Issue: 21
"Oh, I know exactly how you feel."
"I went through the very same thing. Let me tell you about my experience."
These common phrases sound positive, like an understanding parent looking to connect and teach. But according to personal management giant Stephen Covey who authored, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, this is one of the most common and damaging communication mistakes parents make.
And it's especially detrimental for parents looking to raise future forward kids who can successfully navigate the throughlines of accelerated change and disruption that will define and shape their working lives.
This paragraph (from his book) captures the framework that is the source of the issue:
"A father once told me, I can't understand my kid. He won't listen to me at all."
"Let me re-state what you said: "You don't understand your son because he won't listen to you?" "
That's right," he replied.
"Let me try that again," I said. "You don't understand your son because he won't listen to you?" "That's what I said, "he impatiently replied. "I thought to understand another person; you needed to listen to him. "I suggested,
"Oh!" he said.
There was a long pause. "Oh, he said again" as the light began to dawn. "Oh, yes! But I do understand. I know what he's going through. I went through the same thing myself. I don't understand why he won't listen to me."
Covey explains that what is needed is "empathetic listening" focused on "seeking first to understand" and "not to be understood." In contrast, we often listen with the intent to reply, persuade or motivate. It's an essential lesson for all parents and guardians. But especially now, when considering how you talk to your kids about school, careers, jobs, learning, and work. The data shows parents are overwhelmed when discussing work and employment paths with their kids. Research has found that more than two-thirds of parents of 11- to 18-year-olds are lost in a "job fog," feeling overwhelmed as their children express interest in careers they know nothing about. And into that gap, the instinct can be to lean into our journeys, experiences, and story.
You may think you are connecting with them or seeking to inspire, reassure or help them, but it's not. If anything, it shuts down the communication channels and unintentionally inhibits their creativity and optionality.
As academic and author Peter Brooks explains, stories profoundly shape and model us. The stories of our own parent's successes or failures, experiences, and choices overwhelmingly do this and, in doing so, limit and curtail our critical thinking and imagination. This doesn't mean we shouldn't share our experiences with our kids. Our experiences can be valuable teaching tools, and we can use them to help our kids learn from our mistakes and successes. But we need to do so in a way relevant to the current moment, keeping in mind that the skills that were in demand yesterday may not be in order tomorrow. Instead, the better option is to try to truly understand our kids so that we can help them make decisions that are right for them.
Empathetic listening also helps us avoid projecting our own biases onto our kids. For example, if we had a negative experience in a particular field, we may be tempted to steer our kids away from that field. But if we truly listen to our kids and understand their interests and strengths, we may find that that field fits them well.
Have thoughts, ideas, or tactics on this topic? I'd love to share them with The LongRange community: takethelongrange@gmail.com
Till next week!
Reva
The Parent 5: The Must Read/Listen/Watch: On Careers, Job Readiness, Mental Wellness, and Financial Literacy
To Improve Kid's Mental Health - Prestigious Journal of Pediatrics Calls For Increased Independence.
" Children who have more opportunities for independent activities are not only happier in the short run, because the actions engender happiness and a sense of competence, but also happier in the long run because independent activities promote the growth of capacities for coping with life’s inevitable stressors.”
Also see: Get Independent: The Easiest Rx for Kids' Mental Health? More Independence."Students Want More Workplace Skills From Colleges. Here's How Higher Ed Is Responding."
The study “Is College Worth It? Re-bundling Higher Education” noted that today’s students focus on the tangible — maximizing future career outcomes and earnings potential and building durable, technical skill sets. The survey found that 81 percent of students want skills they’ll use in the working world after college. As a sign of how many students worry about the return on college investment, about half of Gen Zers surveyed believe they can be successful through alternative pathways
3. "Financial expert on how to talk money with kids."
According to Mathews, money habits are formed between the ages of seven and nine. He points out that kids “pick up one these concepts at a very young age and they hear the way their parents are talking about money whether it’s through the eyes of fear and scarcity and negativity or if it’s through abundance and opportunity.”
4. Successful Parents - Need To Be Good Enough.
" The myth of effective parenting can sometimes be a burden for parents. BA good enough parent, just by the nature of their effort, will fail. They will not meet their child’s needs, but that’s an opportunity for a child to learn things independently. Being a good enough parent gives their child a gift that will help them learn.”
5. The SVB Collapse and Parenting In Black Swan Times.
"For parents, it can seem, individually and collectively, like “black swan” events are stacking up more frequently on us - and in our kid's headspaces and awareness. And it increases the sense of uncertainty, stress, and anxiety for parents, guardians, and kids. "We inherently can’t predict or prevent Black Swans. But we can lay the foundation for our children to navigate what happens by fostering confidence in themselves and their perspective."
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