Issue 16:
February 14, 2023
Valentine's Day is, of course, a made-up moment. But it's also a great nudge to consider one of the most overlooked and high-impact components of preparing kids to be successful for the future of work and a world defined by accelerated disruption and change: we urgently need to teach and encourage kids how to partner and build positive long-term intimate partnerships. From happiness to wealth, every data point indicates that more time and intention need to be focused on this skill set - at schools and by parents.
In the past 25 years, the marriage rate has declined by about nine percentage points, but its impact on financial security and socioeconomic status has increased. About 50 percent of Americans with high school degrees are married (down from 63 percent in 1990). By comparison, 65 percent of college-educated adults are married, down only four percentage points over the same period. Data shows that this gap is widening fast as housing costs rise, male college degree attainment declines, and pathways to well-paying jobs narrow.
As the labor market gets more precarious and our jobs become increasingly self-directed, partners do double duty as frontline career coaches helping navigate financial risk, entrepreneurship, professional reinvention, and constant change. According to recent data from the Federal Reserve, married couples between the ages of 24 and 35 can have a net worth up to nine times as high as single households. A massive leap from where the gap was just a few years ago.
A five-year Washington University study of over 5,000 married people found that a person’s spouse directly correlates to job satisfaction, salary increases, and eligibility for promotion. But having a supportive partner was only one key to success; the study found that who that person is also matters.
The stakes are high, but the landscape is murky.
The good news is that kids are more open to advise and input than we think. In a national survey of 18 to 25-year-olds, many young people want guidance on the emotional aspects of romantic relationships. Over 70% of respondents, for instance, wanted more information from their parents about either how to develop “a mature relationship” (38%), “how to deal with breakups” (36%), “how to avoid getting hurt in a relationship” (33%), or “how to begin a relationship” (27%). Many high school students also report wanting this guidance.
But how. There's no one way or correct answer, especially when digital dating seems more broken and detrimental than ever. At the same time, most parents also don't want to paint singledom as a horrible failure.
Some ideas:
Be open and non-judgemental with your child.
This is where it starts. Preparing children to have successful relationships in the future begins with first fostering a successful relationship with them. It's back to the fundamentals of creating channels of trust, authenticity, and vulnerability at home.
Talk about future relationships the same way you make careers. Proactively.
The dominant popular culture framework is that real love is spontaneous or something that happens. And so, while people exhaustively research college, careers, and purchasing decisions, romantic decisions and skills are primarily left to chance. Change this in terms of how you talk about dating and relationships. Prioritize learning to be a good partner, let your kids hear you openly admiring people with a solid and happy long-term relationship, and reflect on what they must do to sustain and maintain it.
Like a career or business success, we need to message that relationships require the same knowledge and effort to work. Regardless of where you are personally, look to convey partnerships positively.
Talk About Relationships Early, And Often.
As early as elementary school, parents should start foundational conversations about healthy relationships and what they can do to create them. These conversations don't have to be exclusive to dating or romance. But build a parent-child trusted channel for these ongoing conversations that can mature as children do. Keep finding opportunities to talk as they grow and move through different life stages so that we normalize conversations about sexuality and relationships at home. Use a relevant TV show/movie to discuss relationship traits and behaviors conveyed in the show.
Just as it's never been more challenging for our kids to be able to look to the future with clarity on jobs and careers, the data show that it's also more difficult than ever to find and build authentic long-term relationships - but the payoffs for those that do, continue to increase.