Why Encouraging "Ordinariness" Might Be The Most Disruptive & Subversive Parenting Move
"How to Disrupt the Rise of the Lonely Single Man"
Photo by Seb Mooze on Unsplash
Issue: 8
Thanks for reading! Sign up to get every issue delivered straight to your inbox.
Top Of The List: "How to Disrupt the Rise of the Lonely Single Man"
While a person obviously doesn't need to be in a relationship to be happy, almost all parents want to see their children in joyful and healthy partnership - because life, on virtually every metric, is much better in a high-quality relationship. This is probably why, last week, "The Rise Of Lonely Single Men" in Psychology Today was my most emailed, DM'd and texted article.
First, the good news: women are raising the standard on what they want from a relationship (YESS!), but the bad news is that many young men today are struggling to meet them. And it's one of the reasons why younger and middle-aged men are the loneliest they've ever been in generations and they are steadily becoming a more significant portion of that growing group of long-term single people.
Sadly, the data suggest this depressing and dangerous trend will only get worse unless we take drastic and deliberate action to help more men develop the ability to support partners, be emotionally available, be good communicators, and be mentally grounded and emotionally balanced.
I've previously written about the need and benefits of teaching our kids "Romantic and Relationship Competence" as one of the most effective ways to future-proof their happiness and wellbeing. Parents, of course, have an essential role in this - but it also needs to be done at scale at schools, on sports teams, and in popular culture instead of being a tucked away conversation or one that happens occasionally. The discussion on what makes a healthy relationship, and how to manage the emotions to make it one, are ongoing conversations that need to happen beyond the family unit.
I'll be looking further into this research area to see what (positive materials) and forums boys are learning and engaging with - and if you know a person, business, or program that's looking to address this issue, please let me know - I'd love to speak with them!
New Take= Better Outcome: Why Encouraging "Ordinariness" Might Be The Most Disruptive & Subversive Parenting Move
"I want my kids to feel that their being ordinary is perfectly wonderful." The Dad of four who recently shared with me is himself on every metric extraordinary. In his life he has been an Ivey league scholarship winner, overcoming significant challenges, a competitive college athlete, and a very high successful Bay Area investor. He's also unhappy despite it all and wants much better for his kids, whom he adores.
The idea of not just being ok being ordinary but encouraging our kids to do so might be one of the most disruptive parenting perspectives out there at this moment where, as author and psychoanalyst, Josh Cohen describes in The Economist, "Educational, aesthetic, and financial betterment and the need for validation from others are the elements that form the perfectionist air we all now breathe."
This incisive essay explores the economic, social, and cultural drivers which are leading to the exponential rise in perfectionism in the younger generation, amplified by both the "increasingly demanding social and economic parameters" within which they struggle to make their lives and the role of "increasingly anxious and controlling parental practices." The economic conditions of over-crowded labor markets (particularly for desirable professional and creative jobs) and unaffordable housing are driving young people and their parents to ever more extraordinary lengths to secure a competitive advantage." In such a culture, young people are likely to grow dissatisfied with what they have and who they are. Social media creates additional pressure to construct a perfect public image, exacerbating our feelings of inadequacy."
It's a sober and gripping must-read: "The Perfectionism Trap"
The LongRange: Positive Parenting Nudge: The Family Water Cup Challenge
As articles, experts and influencers regularly remind us, drinking more water can upgrade every aspect of our lives. Increased water consumption is linked to improved productivity, mood, weight, skin - and the list probably goes on....so obviously, I've been trying for a while to figure out the best way to get my kids to up their water drinking for a low effort and high impact new habit.
This is hands down, the easiest and most effective is this one I'm sharing.
All you need are cups with lids and straws and some cue cards to have each person track their glasses. Something about the cup, top, and straw combo along with the low-tech tracking make it super effective, while still gamifying it. It helps that it's easier to drink from a cup and straw than a water bottle (less effort), so you end up with a higher intake and these are easier to clean than water bottles, and you don't keep losing caps.
On-Point & Interesting:
"I'm a believer in the ordinary and the mundane. These guys that talk about 'quality time' — I always find that a little sad when they say, 'We have quality time.' I don't want quality time. I want the garbage time." says Jerry Seinfield. From: New Take = Better Outcome: Embracing "The Garbage Time."
A reminder to parents: "But as the former dean of freshmen at Stanford University has observed, snowplow parents have it backward: "The point is to prepare the kid for the road, instead of preparing the road for the kid." From: "Park The SnowPlow: Parents Need To Let First-Year College Students Grow."
How to Think About Effective Pusnishfment "Here's what to keep in mind when using punishments (i.e., consequences intended to decrease problematic behaviors) with teens. PRACTICE. Consequences should be:
Practical
Related
(in) Advance
Collaborative
Time-Limited
Infrequent
Consistent
Equal to the crime
From: "Should You Take Away your Kids Phone?"
The LongRange is a curated community of parents, educators, and leaders having a much-needed conversation on parenting in the age of mass disruption.